A lot of people have been asking me lately how I can be a “hook-up lesbian.” Or, in other words, how I’m comfortable having sex without any feelings or meaning attached. Women are intimate and emotional creatures, so how could that even be a thing with lesbians where, god forbid, there must be double the emotions attached!?
To me, sex and emotions are separate. That does not mean that I can’t have feelings for someone I’ve slept with, it just means I don’t let sex get emotional.
“Well how did you get to that stage?” I’ll get asked. “Have you always been like that?” The truth to these questions is complicated, and I’m not necessarily comfortable disclosing this information all of the time.
Have I always been like this? No. I actually used to be quite afraid of sex for a while… So I guess this is where things get a bit more serious. I have been sexually assaulted. Yes, it was by a woman. No, it wasn’t because I was uncomfortable with myself or with my sexuality that I consider it an assault (which is what my guy friends told me). I consider it assault because it was completely unwanted and the refusal meant nothing. And to be honest, I had no idea that it even affected me until the first girl I tried to date 4 months after it happened.
Little things like the first time she kissed made me squirm. I couldn’t help but push away. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to kiss her – it was because I couldn’t. I didn’t know why I was acting this way though. I’d always been incredibly flirty. I loved touching women, and them touching me. But I never wanted her touching me. I never wanted her kissing me. And I most certainly didn’t want her having sex with me. This was a new feeling, and I didn’t understand where it was coming from.
Prior to that first kiss, the first sexual contact I had had since my assault, I had wanted all those things; then suddenly nothing. So I made up excuses for what the reason could’ve been: I like her too much as a friend, she uses too much tongue, she’s too aggressive, there’s someone else I like more, anything I could tell myself. I doubt any of those justifications were true, because for the next two girls I dated, I felt the same way, and made up the same excuses in my head and to my friends.
I was getting incredibly frustrated by the whole ordeal. Why couldn’t I fuck these women? And why did there need to be a reason? The more I thought about these questions, the more I began to realized the correlation to what had happened to me, and my sexual activity afterwards. Though I hadn’t thought of, or seen my assaulter in months, I realized I was giving her a tonne of power by placing a meaning to sex. Sex used to be seen to me as something intimate and meaningful, and she tainted that. I realized that I needed to remove the meaning of it if I were going to enjoy it again, and overcome that hold she had over my sex life. Sex is fun, and it shouldn’t be something of resentment.
So I guess it was this realization that made me a ‘hook-up lesbian’, and honestly, I haven’t been happier. Sex isn’t hard when you’re emotionally detached from it, and you can still have fun. I find that with partners that also don’t take sex seriously, you’re far more experimental with your bodies, and it leads to a better time.
I also feel this need to clarify, because I know that this position on sex isn’t popular, and almost a bit harsh – but, just because I don’t see it as emotional, doesn’t mean I can’t still understand how emotional it is to other people. I’ve been there. I would never take advantage of another woman because ‘sex is just sex’, and I would never take another woman’s feelings towards sex for granted. I’ve been there, and I get it. Maybe one day things will change for me, but for the time being, I’m incredibly comfortable and satisfied.
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