Maha Mondays / Relationships / Sex

Maha Mondays – How Do I Satisfy My Personal and Physical Needs (Quickly)?

Dear Maha… I have trouble keeping it in my pants. I love sex a lot.  A lot a lot. Like, it is on my top four list of priorities along with kindness, generosity (of time, spirit and energy) and emotional intelligence. I have no desire to be with someone unless we have chemistry, and to discover if we have chemistry, I need to kiss. And kissing leads to . . . well, you know.
So far in my eight years of dating life post divorce, I have had 4 amazing partners.  My trouble is, we get about 8 months into a relationship (scratch that – 6 months) and I discover 1. he’s financially challenged, 2. he’s not ready for the long haul, 3. he’s been keeping secrets about his past that are not surmountable without intensive therapy.
So, how do I get my all my needs met?  Six months is an awfully long time to wait to get physically intimate (and what if all the mental/emotional/life goal stuff is there, but there is no chemistry?  That was my marriage and I am not willing to go there again.)
Trouble keeping it in my pants

maha mondays, advice column sex relationships love

Dear Trouble (keeping it) In Your Pants,

I have changed your name for a reason. Your fun-bits should not outshine your emotional needs, unless that’s what you want, which clearly you do not or else you would not have sent your amazingly honest message. (Repeat that in your inside voice 5 times.)

For the loud record, let’s reiterate said message: That you want all your needs met while spending your entire preamble discussing the importance of your fun-bits. Technically then, you’re not asking me for balanced advice, and this, I refuse. Instead, I will give you a road-map which you must navigate yourself, so that you sort out how to create a little more balance in your behaviour, because right now, your behaviour is giving your body what it wants, whilst not fulfilling the needs of your heart, spirit and emotional state. For a woman who clearly values a holistic approach to life matters, this approach should resonate (and too bad if it doesn’t).

Caveat: You may never have it all, but you sure as shit should work every day to believe that you will have it all. Do not, under any circumstance, ever lose sight of this. Within this equation, remember to gently make the small changes required, ones which are intentioned to take you down a different road, a little closer to what your heart desires.

These changes start here where you do yourself a favour and pay very close attention to the following four shades of grey which come through from your message:
(1) Stop confusing intimacy with sexing; the former you can experience and work on without the sexual from day one. And then (because no one will disagree here) you will heighten this emotional intimacy by the introduction of sexy sexing fun-times-intimacy once you have confirmed that you are not with a Lying Liar Who Lies (LLWL).
(2) Stop lying to yourself. Excellent chemistry does not only get confirmed when we sashay, shantay one fun-bit into another. (Google with your elbows: “foreplay?”)
(3) Don’t demean the process. Factoring in a time-stamp – such as 6 months – demeans the process and quantifies what should be an non-quantifiable state. You like sex! Awesome. Sex is important to you! Awesome. But, being an adult is to acknowledge that anything worth having is also worth waiting for.
(4) In this same ‘being an adult’ vein, switch up your logic. Your kissing leads to banging rationale is the same logic my mother uses when talking about smoking the weed – that it will lead to needling your veins with crack-cocaine-heroin mixes. Seeking adult advice means being able to behave in adult ways and in this instance you are either slave to your body or master of it. Choose wisely, woman; choose wisely, Woman. (If you must, then also Google with your elbows: “anatomy of the road between a kiss and sex”.)

To support your new way forward, here are the facts, both psychologically and physiologically (so, nurture and nature):
– Everyone experiences better, more intense and more connected sexy times when there is emotional intimacy first. Betchu if you have confirmed that your new piece is not a LLWL, sexing times will be infinitely better. So the Q is: What’s more important to you – instant sexual gratification with maybe a knob-head whom you will bounce from your life, or later (better) sexual gratification with a verified definitely better man?
– Not to mention, when you have established a super tops means of communicating outside of the bedroom, then this will inevitably translate into the bedroom, making the bedroom far more facile to manage and enjoy. Chances are that communication with not-a-LLWL is far more exceptional than with a LLWL, and so the Q is once more: What’s more important to you – instant sexual gratification with maybe a knob-head whom you will bounce from your life, or later (better) sexual gratification with a verified definitely better man? – Most men and women also face greater emotional challenge to clarity the moment we engage physically. When we get physical, we are far more likely to be alright with shitty behaviour directed at us; we are more likely to give passes where passes should not be given; we are far far more vulnerable and susceptible to staying in a relationship for longer than we in fact should. In laymen’s terms, when we get our fun-bits involved too early, we become a lot stupider. (The flip-side of this is that when in an excellent relationship with an excellent person, this sort of natural drugging of our vision helps the relationship because we are more likely to fight for it rather than bail on it.) So again, the golden-egg Q which you must ask yourself is: What’s more important to you – instant sexual gratification with maybe a knob-head whom you will bounce from your life, or later (better) sexual gratification with a verified definitely better man?

My roadmap to you then is simple: Map out a hierarchy on paper to figure out what’s more important for you – getting laid now, or waiting a little longer to get laid by someone you know that you can in fact trust. That is the absolute only question which you need to answer because from that, you can dictate your next steps. The bottom line, my love, is that the answer for you will depend on what you’re willing to trade-off, and that is an answer only you can define. While doing your mapping, remember to factor in the emotional and physical recovery time required after every knob-head is turned out from your life.

At the end of the day, while you don’t need to get physically f/cked to get metaphorically f/cked, if you can avoid getting f/cked both ways then let’s work towards that goal together, sister.

I am in your corner,

What do you think? Do you agree with Maha’s advice? Have you ever been in the same situation as our dear commenter? Let us know! And don’t forget, if you have your own question for magic-guru-Maha – let us know in the (completely anonymous) comment box below!

One thought on “Maha Mondays – How Do I Satisfy My Personal and Physical Needs (Quickly)?

  1. Pingback: ‘Maha Mondays’ is live | Prolific Immigrant

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