Maha Mondays / Relationships

Maha Mondays: My Boyfriend Keeps Siding With His Female BFF

Boyfriend has female best friend, advice column, feminist

Dear Maha,
Dating a new guy who recently introduced me to his friends and his bff is a female who is very hostile toward me.
I have tried everything but nothing has worked. Every time we go out she is there and I am on the receiving end of her snark and aggression while my boyfriend sits quietly letting it happen. example like this weekend at brunch, I said I liked the Lego movie and she reacted like I had said I was a fan of hitler.
I’ve talked to him and he just says I’m imagining things and that I am the one who is aggressive. I also know that i am the butt of her jokes with the other girls in the group because she makes a joke at my expense and the other girls laugh. this is really wearing me down and i don’t know what to do.

Dear GetTheFuckOutOfDodge,

If I had a penny for every single woman who places herself in scenarios where she is continuously stomped on emotionally, only to later stop, ask why and ultimately internalize it. This is not me blaming you, but rather reminding you that you are not responsible for maintaining any social fabric, sweet thing; it is not upon you to be the quiet one in the face of hostility, challenge and aggression, that everyone else might be comfortable at your discomfort. Women are raised to be these creatures, to keep the calm and not to rock the boat. Even when someone corners us, when they’re standing outside the boat and actively swinging it around to our bewilderment, we’re supposed to shut our face and keep our opinions to our self.

But do you know what time it is? It is Fuck This Shit O’Clock.

One minor caveat: You are not to concern yourself with the reason for Bully BFF’s behaviour. Rather, only recall that people whose go-to are hostility and aggression are people who need more help and compassion than any advice column can offer. Believe it or not, this girl and her friends? The only thing which you need to throw their way is pity. Pity, because those whose uplifting is sourced from their active debasement of others are the most miserable and insecure of the litter. Trust me when I tell you that this is not about you; I would place my (Elle) beaver on the line, behind this statement.

That said, I want you to take a deep breath because here’s the bottom line: you are obviously engaging a limp-dick bro who is too busy staring at his limpness to step up and tell his Bully BFF to back the fuck off. This is not because you can’t do so yourself, but rather because it is in fact unequivocally his place to check his own friends in such circumstance. Regardless of whether or not he sees her behaviour, the reality is that you have communicated to him that this very behaviour hurts you and that should be enough for him to stop staring at his limp dick, look up and ask “What can I do to stop this thing which is wearing you down? Because I care and that’s what caring people do for one another, aside from hugs and cuddles.”

Believe it or not though, the above are the minor issues; the bigger issue of concern is that you are actively on rinse & repeat engaging with a group of people who are belittling and mean-girling you. Why? For what possible purpose would you actively place yourself in such a scenario for any extended period of time? I don’t need you to tell me, but you sure as shit need to tell yourself the truth within the context of: We seek only the love which we believe we deserve. And you deserve better, so the only question worth asking isn’t why is Bully BFF doing what she’s doing or why is Limp-Dick not doing what he should be doing, but rather why do you choose to remain in this scenario?

You “love” him? Then focus on why you are willing to accept a love which is mired in his not hearing and meeting both your emotional needs and hurt. Hash this out in a sidebar. Ask yourself why you are willfully allowing for your own personal mistreatment. If you can’t do this alone, then talk to your friends, look at your personal history, pick up a self-help book on self love. Do whatever it is that you need to do to once and for all land on: I will only engage men who respect my feelings at all times.

I rarely give such forward advice, but choose to instead err on the side of giving people the tools to make their own decisions, but this case is all too clear – both his dismissive response to your needs and her clear and present hostility. Your life is too short to engage in any kind of poison which wears you down, so GET UP and GET OUT. Do not EVER stay in a dating situation where you are being worn down for any other reason than a lot of great sexing and amazing kindness and warmth and beauty and over-eating and indulging and staying up far too late on a school night. Additionally, do not EVER enter and remain in a situation where you put it upon yourself to change others because surely – I mean, surely you have enough shit that you need to change about yourself that you can’t waste your time on changing some random boyfriend and his BFF who (I hope) will only be a footnote to a word in the tome that will be your life.

When you shove the toxic people out of your world, vacancies for kind, caring, beautiful people are suddenly woken up – fill the spaces carefully to your emotional health, not to your emotional depletion.

In your corner (because I believe in your ability to demand better for your beautiful self),

What do you think? Do you agree with our always-wise Maha? Tell us in the comments what your advice would be – and don’t forget to leave your own anonymous question in the box below.

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