Well, Canada – we did it. We survived a 78-day (11 week) federal election campaign, the longest in modern Canadian history.
They say time flies when you’re having fun, and I think I speak for everyone in this country when I say I cannot recall a more excruciatingly long and painful period in my life than the last 11 weeks. Other than the last 4 years. *ba-dum-bum-ching!*
While each party has fought hard to keep certain issues at the forefront of the campaign, it was the so-called “behind-the-scenes” issues that rounded out the triteness of the last 11 weeks. You know, those candidate blunders that turned playful clips into hilarious memes and Facebook posts that got candidates canned. Seriously, there were a lot horrible publicly accessible Facebook posts out there. If we can’t teach public figures that their ideas are ignorant, can we at least teach them about The Facebook’s privacy settings?
Without further ado, presented with limited snarky editorially commentary (just kidding) for your perceived pleasure, here are Elle Beaver’s Top 10 Bloopers of #Elxn42:
1. Angry Old Conservative Guy: Ah, when we were young….one of the first #Elxn42 memes and, in my humble opinion, still one of the best. Because there’s nothing I love more than angry Baby Boomers spouting the equivalent of Chris Crocker’s infamous “Leave Britney Alone” bit in support of dear old Stephen Harper.
2. Jason Kenney’s “unaccented English” tweet about a Syrian refugee boy: Yes, this happened. And yes, he deleted the tweet because DUH DOY. Fun editorial fact: Two Beaverinas once saw Jason Kenney taking in an evening viewing of Don Jon at a now-defunct downtown Ottawa cinema. That’s it. It was literally just a fun fact.
3. That weekend Tory incumbent Rick Dykstra allegedly ‘maybe-yes-but-didn’t-really’ buy underage girls alcohol at a St. Catherine’s nightclub. And then one of the women said she was offered a bribe to deny this happened even though TWITPIC? Sorry, but this is all I can think of.
4. Then there was that one NDP candidate who didn’t know that Auschwitz was a thing? (Legitimate question from me). And made a comment to “LOL” about the level of phallic-ness of a “hydro pole” THAT WAS USED TO MURDER JEWISH PEOPLE, IN A FACEBOOK PHOTO ALBUM TITLED “AUSCHWITZ-BIRKENAU”…? (is there a more capped-caps option?!). Yeah, and she’s still running. I can’t.
5. Liberal candidate Cheryl Thomas: That time a Liberal Party candidate literally and actually speculated on Santa Clause’s ethnicity, “Santa has to be white!!! You can’t have a brown guy with a beard sneaking into your house in the middle of the night! You’d be calling the bomb squad!” But that’s just the tip of the iceberg: what did her in were her remarks on Israel and Muslims (read: mosques as “brainwashing stations”).
Two 4 one here, folks
6. Peegate: Because it wasn’t enough that Justin Bieber had to embarrass Canada that time he peed in a restaurant bucket (!), Canada can now boast Jerry Bance, a Conservative electoral candidate who, in 2012, was captured by CBC’s Marketplace as he PEED IN A CLIENT’S CUP WHILE ON A SERVICE CALL, POURED IT OUT IN THE SINK, THEN RINSED THE CUP, giving new meaning to the expression “taking the piss out of you”.
7. Because Spring Breakers, peeing in cups and calling the media “lying pieces of shit”, wasn’t enough, the Conservatives needed an additional candidate with a hidden past of prank calling people, pretending to be mentally challenged or faking orgasms (whilst on the phone with women – yeah, we love when dudes do that). Enter – and promptly exit –Tim Dutaud.
8. Jagdish Grewal was swiftly and unceremoniously sacked by the Conservatives when he touted gay conversion therapies to convert ‘The Gays’ to “normal” or “sadharan” in Punjabi (long story – Grewal argues he’s been wrongly translated). In a piece for The Punjabi Post, Grewal wrote, “If it is a parent’s right to set guidelines for their children in terms of their education, career and health, then why is it illegal for them to strengthen their natural heterosexuality?” Just, no.
9. And a late game addition, making it in under the clock is last week’s: The Tory “sex with a sheep” Guy. No, seriously: sex with a sheep. We can’t even; you’re on your own.
10. Finally, top honours go to Minister of Citizenship and Immigration Chris Alexander. That’s it. No explanation needed. But for funsies, watch Rosemary Barton bitch-slap his attempts to shift blame for government inaction on the Syrian refugee crisis to Canadian media. Blame it on the media = classic move of the we-are-SO-fucked-on-this-issue politician.
Join us tonight @Elle_Beaver as we live-tweet the Canadian federal election results for all your #Elxn42 night fun!
And in the worst case scenario where we wake up tomorrow and Stephen Harper is still Prime Minister, be sure to follow these emergency procedures.
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